Life is not for defining yourself, life is for creating yourself

update

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 07:39:18 GMT

here it is....4th of july....honestly, prolly one of my lesser favorites....let me know what you think....does it need work? ideas? critques? please help....the next two shouldnt be as hard....at least the next one is kind of writing itself...maybe tomorrow...no promises (looking into kidney donation now...cause honestly, i havent the slightest clue)....anyway....thank you to politicalfemme9 for keeping me inspired and asking about this one....this is for you....enjoy :)

and im not sure accomplished is the right mood...cause im not so sure this feels like an accomplishment....im not in love with it...its short....but cause its the 4th of july, its almost necessary fluff....

Sunday, July 4th
8:35pm

I was in Boston for two years before I spent the 4th in the city. The first year, it was spent with friends in a near suburb, the second, in New Hampshire where I got an awful sunburn. Although, I’m slightly saddened by the fact that I won’t spend my first 4th in my new city actually in that city, I do live there now, and there’s always next year.
Over the years of falling in and out of home, I had forgotten the splendor of a small town celebration. Sure, its small, the festivities aren’t that of San Francisco or Boston, but in a way, it’s ours. Outsiders might not understand, but that’s why you’re outsiders, we don’t want you here anyway. I glance around and see various kids from my high school, many that are years younger than me. I see them in line for games, taffy, funnel cakes, and remember what that was like. When all that mattered was that your boyfriend called you once a day and you had plans on Friday night. Oh if only I knew then…wow, I say to myself, I sound old.
The groups of kids make me think of my own friends, and the couples remind me of Ryan. We spent the first 4th we were together here being dorks I’m sure. The thought of Ryan brings a smile to my face. He had wanted to be together tonight, to take me to a bonfire one of his friends was having. It sounded like fun, and part of me really wanted to go, really wanted to be with him tonight. But deep down, I know I need my family right now. I look at my dad on the other side of the blanket, sporting the glow ring Kyle gave him, and I know I made the right decision. There was a point in my life when I couldn’t get away from them fast enough, now I can’t seem to tear myself away.
“Remember when I won all the fish?” I asked my dad. The high school band is in the middle of their rendition of Stars and Stripes, the beach is packed, ninety percent of the spectators are clad with glow sticks, its official, the Lakewood 4th of July celebration is in full swing.
“Pretty hard to forget”, he answers, taking a swig of his diet coke.
“I only had five chances, and won how many of them? Four?”
“Pretty much, and then I told you we were done.”
“And I begged you to play again…and you let me. You could never resist the puppy dog eyes.” I tell him as I sip my water. After last night, the only thing I want to drink is water. “If I remember correctly, I came back with six or seven fish out of fifteen tries. I’d say I had pretty good aim for an eight year old…when it comes to ping pong balls and little fish bowls.”
“Yeah, your mother was thrilled.”
“Oh, I bet.”
“I was thrilled about what?” Mom asks as she sits down on the blanket with a funnel cake.
“All the fish I won here when I was eight.” I tell her.
“Yeah. It was great Alex. Maybe you could do it again.”
“Don’t tempt her.” Warns my dad.
“Be careful what you wish for. I could give you an encore performance.” I say, gesturing to the booth where the game is being held this year. “Although, I don’t think I’m as good anymore. You’d think that someone who could win seven fish out of fifteen tries wouldn’t suck so bad at beer pong.” At that moment I realized what I had just admitted to my parents. “Ummm….yeah,” I utter.
“Alex”, says my mother, “There are some things you really shouldn’t tell us, because really, we don’t want to know.” I burry my face in my hands and shake my head.
“How can you eat that?” I ask, quickly changing the subject, and tearing a piece off.
“She says as she steals some.”, adds my dad. My mom just gets that smirk on her face…again. God, I love them. I pause for a minute and wonder what I would do without them. How I would ever get through this. At that minute, I decide that everything will work out, as long as we stick together.
Soon, the sun has finished its decent beyond the horizon, taking much of the heat of the day with it. I glance around, and it seems as though the entire town has turned out for the celebration. Kyle comes out of nowhere and plops down on top of my dad. This elicits and oof out of dad as he pretends he’s being squished, but anyone can tell he’s thrilled he’s a dad and wouldn’t rather Kyle sat anywhere else. Our neighbors occupy the next blanket, and my mom’s good friends the one in front of us, and I can tell from the beep of my cell phone that I just received a text message, probably from Ryan, wishing me a happy 4th of July. I haven’t been surrounded by this many people since I left San Francisco, but honestly, I’ve never felt more alone.
I turn on my I-pod and lean my head back into my mom’s lap. Am I too old to be doing this? Probably. Do I care? Not so much. Nickelback’s Someday is playing as the fireworks begin, piercing the sticky, stale air with luminous reds, blues, and greens. I glance around at my family and can see the fireworks reflect in their eyes. How did I get so lucky? I ask myself. Cause at that moment, I realize they are my rock and that I would be broken without them.

its all about soul

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 06:40:13 GMT

so today was quite the day, thank you for asking.......actually, one could say that it pretty much sucked, but really, it didnt get to me. im not sure why...but honestly, i dont care. today kicked my ass and im still in a pretty decent mood....who knows....maybe its hormones...not that ive ever been hormonal, but whatever.....

anyway....i got to work and it was just kelly and i in the office for a bit...which was fine...so we talked a little and worked....and nicole came in and we went to starbucks and had a touchbase.....yay food and coffee....double yay for food and coffee on gap time :) triple yay for friends and coffee and food on gap time :) :) :) anyway....i did the little work i had and then spent the rest of the morning hunting down denim samples and exchanging messages with mousie962 im glad i can sit at work and do that....for now....but whatever..i enjoyed it...and jess, i hope youre feeling better...

had lunch with caron which was cool after not seeing her for a week. granted i wasnt hungry....apparently eating olive garden out of house and home after not eating for 2 days will do that to you. but it was fun to chat and catch up and i think were going shopping saturday so yay!

after lunch i headed to the flood building to pick up the denim samples we needed. unfortunately i was wearing new shoes....that tore a hole in my heel. let me tell you how good that felt. thank god for gap kids and the girls flip flops....i think i looked cute in my eight yearold sparkly flip flops...whatever, my feet were comfy.....so i get back to the office and was trying to fix my foot and kelly was like what are you doing? so i got up to show her and she was like i dont want to see.....hahaha...told you so :) gross....because of that i couldnt run...grrrrr.......im so fucked for the half marathon on the 5th. whatelse is new....so i did pilates instead. that was relaxing. i think ill make that one a habit.

to round out my night, i made a quick trip to albertsons....which is right nextdoor to my apartment. so i walk over there to get shampoo, bandaids, and cereal....and the line is so freaking long....like really. so some guy starts flipping out. and screaming....fuck this...fuck that....fuck you. im gonna take the money...wonderful, could i please get killed in the damn grocery store? the girl in front of me has a cart full of stuff...i have 5....and then her friend cuts in with her cart load of shit....i have 5. of course our friend has something to say about that....now hes swearing at customers....wonderful. and the grocery store people are doing NOTHING about it....NOTHING. very central square, cept we actually had to deal with it. it wasnt the actual incident, well part of it...a psycho screaming in a store in a big baggy coat....god only knows what hes gonna pull...but way to open up some old wounds....wounds that never really healed.

i downloaded a bunch of music the other night. one of the songs was its all about soul, by billy joel. i never realized how much i like that song until now. in a way, it kind of describes me. 'she still believes in miracles, while others cry in vain....its all about soul...its all about faith in a deeper devotion.....its all about soul, whos standing now, whos standing tomorrow...youve got to be hard, as hard as that rock in old rock and roll' i listened to it 4 times on my way to and from flood today....yay for trips to gap stores during the day (ok a plane just flew overhead and the whole apartment is shaking) and it just made sense. all the crap i went through to get where i am....all the tears...late nights....somehow i kept the dream alive. i guess thats the difference between what you want and what you love. what you were born to do....whos standing now, whos standing tomorrow....if it were easy...everyone would do it.....sometimes i cant believe it....strane how the world works....why im having these thoughts right now...beyond me....but thats why we love live journal.....cause i can write down all my random thoughts :)

i had to put all my little trinkets away because i think im getting new carpet tomorrow...woohoo...they better not break anything. i re-read a book that my parents gave me for my birthday....and i cried...i laughed...all about how it seemed like yesterday they brought me home..watched me in band...took me to boston...and all these quotes (i LOVE quotes) about growing up and moving on and letting go and how theyll always be there. and i know they will.....cause they have. through the laughter and the tears, the highs and the lows....everything. always. and thats power. looking at it now, it amazes me. alot. theyve always had my back....been the first to congratulate me....there to listen and not judge......listen and not talk...even when im 3000 miles away.....and 3 hours behind them. honestly, i wouldnt be where i am now if it wasnt for them.

ok....enough now....my tummy hurts...damn hypoglycemia....(even though its my own damn fault and i shouldnt complain) and theres a hole in my heel...off to write...i promised another chapter to politicalfemme9

happy tuesday night

so i promised a real update......

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 06:55:35 GMT

i had a really good day today, for those of you who didnt read my earlier entry. for those of you who did, thank you for the comments :) i love comments. anyway....it was a really ironic day, cause last night and this morning i was looking at life, and what i want out of it. i mean, i chased this dream across the country....it was what i wanted for so long....and i still do, i mean, i love it. but how do we know exactly what we want out of life? and that we made the right decisions? i feel like everything happens the way its suposed to for a reason, but ever wonder what that reason is? i say i want to work for gap forever....that i want to go into merchandising and we joke that im going to own the joint.....but i just started wondering if this is it...this is life....not that its a bad thing....just something ive been pondering. could i see myself doing anything else? no...not really.....i used to want to be a doctor...but now i cant watch er without closing my eyes.....some doctor id make. do i want to go back to school? i think so....design? maybe...merchandising? probably a better idea. will it help me with work....yeah, i think so....but part of me wonders if i want to do it for the challenge it would present. i mean, my dad always said i had a type a personality....i used to laugh at him, but, i see it now. ive never been happy just sitting around, just doing one thing.....so then i get to work...and have a really good day, and it pretty much renewed my faith in things....yeah....definitely. what once was lost has now been found, or so i think.

on friday i got an email from someone looking to do what i did...make the move from the east coast and work in a store and move into the ma role at corporate. the first two have already been done....now comes the hard part. weve been trading emails for awhile, tips and whatnot....and im more than willing to help. i know what its like, when you face that world alone. no ones there to help you, cause really, they dont really care. anyway....i got another email, thanking me and letting me know how things stand...and that he talked to my recruiter. and she remembered me, and how he told her that i was his idol...cause of what i did....moving from the east coast and working in a store and then going to corporate. honestly, thats one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. i mean, i see myself as many things, and ive been many things....someones idol, that doesnt really come to mind...and then to have them tell you that? i mean, i cant really put into words how that feels.

and falling in love...again. and again. and again...and then when you think you cant possibly fall in love further, you do. its the little things. the text messages....inside jokes....small gestures....quiet nights.....date nights....long talks....

ok...thats it for now. next time i havent eaten in two days, stop me before i eat out the olive garden. my tummy hurts.....blah....i want to write, but im having issues with that right now....ill try to get something up tomorrow or the next day....

ecstatic

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 02:15:58 GMT

warning.....i am in a horribly good mood right now :) :) :)

ok....youre all going to hate me after you read this......but i have to vent somewhere....and i guess thats why i pay for livejournal.....yes, jess, youre right...its pretty addicting.....anyways....

i am absolutely estatic......and i cant say anything.....damn it sucks....alot....i really just want to scream it from the roof tops or something like that.....aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh....is it february yet?!?

anyway...im sure ill be back with more senseless rambling after dinner.....yay dinner at the olive garden.....mmmmmmmm.......gimme a break, i havent been out of the house in 3 days......

the tick tock of the clock is painful....all sane and logical...i want to tear it off the wall

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 06:52:17 GMT

ok...so not the clock...but the smoke alarm is about 30 seconds from being torn off the wall.....if it beeps one more time......cept i cant reach it, so that kinda sucks for me. anyway......

i woke up an hour and 45 minutes late this morning....yeah getting ready in 15 minutes. i looked lovely...black shirt....navy flip flops...brown bag...and yes, ladies and gentleman, i work in the fashion industry....im quite the representative......work was...well...work.....crazy, stressful....whatever....dont really want to talk about it....

yesterday was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!! really tiring, but lots of fun....brooke called me at 730...and for whatever reason, i woke up 5 minutes before...she was very disapoined that she didnt wake me up....so i met her at the hotel..and her baby is adorable....we went to the old navy where i used to work and starbucks and golden gate park and target and in & out burger. honestly, it didnt matter if what we did.....we basically got to talk all day long....and play with a really cute baby. we sat and had tea and talked for...i dont even know how long....but it was just nice. good friends are like stars...you dont always see them, but you know they are always there.....weve talked almost once a week since ive been out here...but it was almost like nothing had changed, even though practically everything had. but we hadnt....my sense of direction still sucks...no matter how many times we left the hotel, i still couldnt figure out how to get to the highway.....shes still trying to feed me random stuff...and, we can still talk for hours about anything and everything....

i had a milkshake yesterday and it made me sick.....put that on the shelf of stuff i cant have anymore along with the pepsi

mousie962 totally made my week....making me fall out of my chair laughing....3 times.....well, not really out of a chair, but damn close...despite the fact that the damn smoke detector just beeped again!!!!!!! im gonna phoebe it off the wall and beat the shit out of it......

beantown grlie (6:49:28 PM): so my smoke alarm is chirping
mousie962 (6:49:42 PM): huh. why?
beantown grlie (6:49:59 PM): i think the battery is dying....maybe? i dont know....but i dont think i can reach it
mousie962 (6:51:08 PM): did you ever see that episode of friends with phoebes alarm?
beantown grlie (6:51:19 PM): haha...yeah
beantown grlie (6:52:09 PM): i think id give up and go sleep in my car
beantown grlie (6:52:19 PM): or better yet, put it in my car
mousie962 (6:52:49 PM): hahaha.

so today i had to go back to work....woohoo...i went to the 2 folsom cafe with nicole....and decided that i wanted to buy lunch rather than eat what i brought...its ok, i havent bought lunch all week. so were done eating and just sitting there talking and i look up and whos walking towards us and out the door...shannon (those of you who worked at gap in boston know who she is) and our eyes met and we kind of looked at eachother...and she came over and was like what are you doing here? and im thinking me? i belong here...what are you doing here? shes in town from nyc for mill week.....or something like that....talk about a blast from the past.....of course i look like ive been hit by a bus cause i got ready in 15 minutes, but whatever....

ok....i think thats it...sorry this is so....i dont know....pointless? boring? i think im gonna go write now.....or read...or watch law and order....i need to go to the gym...i totally skipped that today...and yesterday....but my shin hurts so i guess its ok....

i dont know.....

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 07:12:24 GMT

when i typed in the subject for my entry because the computer remembers key strokes, it brought up my 'i dont give up that easily' entry, so i went back and re-read it. and under that was one from 3 days before...about how all i wanted to do was give up.

Jul. 22nd, 2005

07:09 pm - i dont give up that easily...

"i dont give up that easily", i say....
"not giving up..take a break...", she responds
"its all the same to me...."

i think back to this mornings conversation during our trash run. a few months ago, that would have sent me into a tailspin. now i just dont care. well, i care about me...my dream...and achieving it. i dont care if someone doesnt believe in me...i dont care if no one believes in me...however, i know thats not true...there are atleast 5 of you out there ;) and my answer to her first question, i dont give up that easily...thats what it all boils down to. i just dont. my first attepmt didnt work out...so it became, do you really want to do this? and the answer was still yes...so how do you do this...go there..so i did. and now try...and try...and try again. if ive learned anything with these people, its that it aint ever gonna be easy.... everything is a fight...but it just makes victory so much sweeter. its the reason i changed majors....its the reason i kept going when i had every reason to stop...its the reason i gave up everything....so yes, i am going to keep at it until i get in and no...im not going to stop..cease..wait in anyway..cause every missed opportunity could be MY opportunity.

people will never cease to amaze me....its interesting that people i havent known that long seem to have my back...today when i get a manager asking me if im still going to be around next week or if im going to corporate...and when i say i still dont have a job there, he tells me i should be schmoozing with the corporate types that come in to the store all the time...and im like they dont want to talk to me...and what exactly would i say? and then jayne steps in to save me..."and thats why youve gotten where you are?" i never saw it coming :) and its really interesting when all you need is for your friend to be just that, your friend. and they seem to miss that...jumps out and smacks them in the face, yet they still miss it. and all they give you is a way to stab another friend in the back. i guess im finally figuring out whos really there. those who dont have to return phone calls, b/c they call on their own. those who are there when you need them...and seem to know exactly what to say....

i got my vacation approved. which means come september, brian and i will be driving across the country together. i cant wait...its going to be a long drive...but well make it fun. i cant wait for him to be out here....and we will be able to see eachother all the time :) i think thats all for now...i figured it was time for a nice update ;) *sigh* so tired....but thats ok cause i can sleep in tomorrow cause i dont have to be at work til 1....and its friday, so i can sit and watch law and order all night....i admit im pathetic...but i like it :)

Jul. 19th, 2005

05:21 pm - what was i thinking?!?!

so...what the fuck was i thinking? what exactly made me think i could move 3000 miles away from everything i know and love chasing a dream that apparently doesnt exist. first, its well, we really like you and you are qualified...BUT we have a person who has had this job before....then its well, they really liked you, BUT theyre going to take someone else...now its..they liked you and wanted to interview the rest of the people to make sure you were the person for the job...BUT in the end, it came down to them not thinking you would be happy in the job because you dont understand fully its function...RIGHT...thats why i wanted to interview for it..cause i dont have a fucking clue. and all this coming from a lady who asked me if i would miss my job too much coming there....again..cleaing poop off the wall is NOT what i want to be doing..EVER...especially since i have a fucking degree....who is she to decide what would make me happy? i understand that the job is not glamourous...BUT it is with corporate...which to me is way better than what im doing now...oh..and apparently i shouldnt have any career goals either..from talking to the recruiter today, im thinking that next time i say i dont know what i want to do...this for awhile and then...hell maybe ill join the circus....i just dont get it. why is this always such a nightmare...im sick of it sucking all the time...im sick of everyone else...i want it to be ME...I WANT A CHANCE DAMNIT!!! i have given them 5 years....and not to work in a damn store forever...i NEVER signed that contract, although im feeling like i did. im sick of being written off cause i work in a store...im sick of it always being someone else...im sick of fighting....im sick of wanting it more than anything and getting shit...ALL THE TIME...if one thing could work out with me and this company, thatd be great....
i keep asking myself why i want it....why i did this....why i decided a long time ago that id rather get the shit kicked out of me by gap than work anywhere else is beyond me. mom suggested i take another job anywhere in an office so they can see i dont want to work in a store forever.....hello..i am interviewing arent i? and i didnt put in 5 and a half years to walk away....ive done my time....where is my good kharma? ive waited long enough....
long enough for what? she didnt seem to into getting me set up with another interview, although the position is open. and its with baby gap no less. not sure what the deal was there...its so aggrivating....perhaps i only will ever be good enough to them to work in a store....maybe the sooner i accept that, the better off ill be.....

theyre both under the cut....read it...dont...doesnt matter to me....i just...i dont know i guess, but when do we ever know. i mean, we go balls to the wall for something, anything that we believe in, and was it right? i mean, i guess well never know. we end up where we are in life because we are suposed to be there. i didnt get the rmp job because i was suposed to come out here and make it on my own, and honestly, i dont think i would change that. i just look back at what i wrote and how i realized, on the 22nd of july that anything in life thats worth it, is worth fighting for, and if it was easy, then everyone would do it. yes, there were times when i thought my life would fall apart...there were times when i thought id never make it....there were times when i thought i would cry if the alarm went off at 4am one more day. but i kept fighting and interviewing.....even in the most disheartening situations. i didnt get any of the early jobs because i was meant to have the one at outlet....and no matter what happens there in the next few days, weeks, whatever, its what was meant to be...and if i dont like it now, its because theres something better down the road.

kelly gave me a ride back to san bruno tonite cause i missed the shuttle...it was cool though cause i got to design underwear....yep, the girls 7 pack days of the week underwear at gap outlet next fall.....check it out....cause i created it (color and graphics) today :) soooo cool. anyway....we were talking and she mentioned something about how some people just get jobs really easily, and other people have a really tough time, for no apparent reason...and im like yep, welcome to my world. and shes like you have a job...and im like yes, but do you know what it took to get it? and how many i went through...and she says, "we loved you. all of us. you were smart...and put together, and you had field experience. we were like, shes it" thank you....honestly, i dont think she knows how badly i needed to hear that.

and theres a reason i never really got over my first love. not only because you never forget your first love, thats true, but i never got over my first love, because we were meant to find eachother again. i remember when brooke told me we were gonna get married....and i was like ok....yeah whatever brooke....and then i brian and i started talking...and hanging out when i was home...and IMing...and then one night when i was home we went to dinner and we were driving back into town from mayville, down 394....we were in his truck, and we had jimmy buffets margaritaville playing....and we were just driving along...singing...and it was at that moment i realized no one would ever compare to that....that level of comfort...love....everything.

im in the process of writing a novel i guess...im not sure how long it is going to be...but i havent really written at all in a very long time. since before college....even in highschool....i wrote 2 things maybe...i didnt know it at the time, but one would call it fanfic, one for er and one for road rules/real world....yeah, im a dork...whatever, if youre still reading this, you love me even though i am a dork. i have issues finishing stuff....the amount of stuff i started and never finished...i lost count...but thats all old. i honestly think i might finish this one....id like to see where i can go with it. its personal, which makes it easy for me to write...i mean, i just enjoy it...best escape ever.....and im glad i decided to share....hugs to jenn and melissa for reading and the continued encouragement to keep updating.

sigh....the mold is finally gone...I CAN SLEEP IN MY BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but the smoke alarm is chirping...could that please go off? thats just what i need right now. and i get to see brooke tomorrow.....when she called me she told me she couldnt wait to see me.......ditto....right there with ya. i havent seen her in months...like since i left boston....although we do talk almost once a week....its not the same. not after all we went through together.

wow....im quite sappy tonite...im allowed. im not really sure what my deal is...maybe its professional....maybe its personal....i miss the kick ass person i was when i wrote my july 22nd entry...but shell be back....

and can i just say that mousie962 totally made my day at 7am.....laughed....the entire way to work.....

best news ever

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 06:07:53 GMT

ok..well, not really...but today was quite the day. spent half of it in the office, which was pretty boring, other than an email that made me remember a story mousie962 told me.....and i laughed....and got asked what my deal was....trust me, you wouldnt understand it if i tried to explain. then we went to bubble lounge and had champagne....and wine....and a little food too. sarah and veronica taught me how to play blackjack. and we got free gifts....american express gift cards and the zaggat survey for san francisco. :) :) overall a fun day.

so then i get home, and theres a note in my door. im like saweet, the mold is gone :) oh wait...just kidding. (thats cool...i am SO getting more credit on my rent) the note is information on renewing my lease. and how it ends 3/31, and i can come down to the office to sign a new one when ever its convenient....WAHOO my lease is up. best apartment news ive gotten in a long time.

hmmm....whatelse....brooke called me today :) shes coming thursday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! two days...totally cant wait.

ok, thats it. im off to watch law and order...yay law and order...boo for prereview tomorrow.....but maybe i can fix the 'i feel like a wall' and the being bored all day.

ok...im posting the next chapter of my story.....i had some issues with this one. i just overall dont really like it. i LOVE the one with dad....i just dont think mom came out as well....anyway, check it out...let me know what you think

Sunday, July 4th
9:15am

I love my bed. Really. The perfect mattress, just the right combination of soft and firm, an egg crate to make it cozy and give that feeling of being swallowed. I don’t think there’s a way to sleep uncomfortably in it. It’s the perfect size for sprawling, and god knows I love to do that. Crisp sheets, perfect for the sticky July weather, and a fluffy comforter at the foot, that’s perfectly engulfing for those cold winter nights. If there’s one thing I wish I could have brought to California, it’s my bed.
I start feeling the effects of my night out as I begin to wake up. My head hurts and I just have this overall feeling of awfulness, a feeling of awfulness that is magnified as I get out of bed. I don’t think my head has ever hurt this bad. Even after my 21st birthday. I pause to look in the mirror before I leave the room.
“You’re a mess.” I tell myself. But honestly, for the few hours I was able to forget everything and be normal again, it’s worth it. I sigh and leave the sanctity of my room for the craziness of the outside world.
I see my dad in his office as I approach the stairs. I pause for a moment to take him in. He wasn’t always able to work from home. It was usually just one day each week, if that, and he was confined to a desk and part of the counter downstairs. Nowhere near an ideal workspace. However, once I left, my parents didn’t see a reason to have an additional guest room, so they converted into an office for my dad. He looks so at peace in his bedroom converted office. Actually, my old bedroom converted office. When I was little, I switched rooms so many times, even I lost track of which room I was currently calling home. I used the roll top desk for awhile, back when I was in high school. Back when I thought I needed one. Who’d have thought I’d realize you can’t beat doing homework on the bed. I remember when he called me to tell me he was using the desk again, and how he’d found an old bag of cookies I had probably hidden there in 1997. I hear him on the phone now, and see through the half open door that he’s on the computer too. He’s always so hard at work, even on the 4th of July.
Not wanting to disturb him, I head down the stairs. As I make my way down them I can hear my mom in the kitchen. She’s yelling at my brother, something about getting dressed and cleaning up his breakfast dishes. Glad to know that some things will never change.
“Morning Allie”, she says upon seeing me, “And how did we sleep?”
I resist the urge to say bite me, cause honestly, that’s how I feel right now. “Like the dead.” I respond.
“You look like you’re dead.” My brother says as if on cue.
“And you look like you’re not dressed.” I retort. He sticks his tounge out at me and runs upstairs.
“Kyle!!!!” my mother yells after him. She looks at me and I just shrug my shoulders.
“At least he’s getting dressed now.” I respond.
“I’ve never understood how you get him to do that.”
“What? Stick his tounge out? That’s pretty easy.”
“You know full well what I mean Alexandra.”
“Yeah yeah.” I reply as I open the medicine cupboard and take out a bottle of Asprin.
“So, back to my original question, how did we sleep.”
“Back to my original answer…like the dead. And actually, Kyle isn’t too far off, I feel pretty dead.” I tell her as I fill a glass with water and down the Asprin.
“I hate to break it to you sweetie, you look pretty much dead.”
“Thanks mom,” I say as I move to the cupboard. I want crackers and water and that’s about it.
“No problem my dear, there’s bagels in the cabinet if you want one.”
“mmmm…hangover food,” I say as I grab the Ritz Crackers.
“I hope you didn’t have too much to drink last night.”
“And how much would that be?” I ask her.
“more than one”
“Ahh…yes,” I say as I hop up on the counter like I have since I was five. It used to drive her crazy, I think she’s given up now. Last time I was home, I saw that my habit had rubbed off on dad too. Oh the joy I felt when I saw him hop up on the counter. “I think I surpassed that in…oh the first two minutes we were there.” I spare her the details of the game, cause let’s be honest, she doesn’t want to hear about it any more than I want to tell her. “But Ryan was with me and he made sure I got home safely.”
She gets this smirk on her face…the one I call the mother smirk, the one that says I was young once too you know, but says nothing and continues her business in the kitchen.
“Remember when my sitting up here drove you nuts?”
“Drove as in past tense? Drives is the better word, Alex. You sitting up there drives me nuts. I just choose to ignore you, in my hopes that you’ll go away.”
“Ha! I’m going to sit here all day now. What do you think of that?”
“I think I need a drink,” she responds and takes out the chocolate milk. “Not the type of drink you were thinking of now is it dear?” she says with the slightest hint of sarcasm.
“What are you up to tomorrow?” I ask her as she pours the milk into the glass. I’m hoping she doesn’t have any plans, because unlike the meeting with Judge Howard, the hospital visit is not something I think I need to do alone. I hate hospitals. I would have run from my last hospital visit if Isabella hadn’t forced me to stay. Plus, it will make it more fun to watch her be grossed out by the blood draw.
“I don’t really have any plans. I scheduled your testing for 10. I figured that would give you some time to sleep in the morning, and you’d still have the rest of the day afterward.”
“Thanks. I mean, really. I don’t know what I’d do without you right now.”
“Want me to go with you?”
Right there, I think is when I fell in love with my mother. I may be a daddy’s girl, but right then, my heart had my mother’s name all over it. She knows me better than I know myself, she knows I wouldn’t know how to ask her to go, but yet knows I want her there more than anything in the world. So she takes it upon herself to offer, knowing that for me, accepting an offer isn’t nearly as hard as asking the favor.
“What am I going to do?’, I ask, pulling my knees up to my chin. “What if it’s negative? I’ll feel like shit. Sorry, I’m your daughter, but I can’t help you. I’ve never been here for you before, and I can’t now. Aren’t you glad you kept me? But worse, what if it’s positive? What if I don’t want to go through with this? Does that make me a horrible person? I mean, she did give birth to me…she brought me into this world, but she got rid of me.”
“First of all, don’t say shit.”
“Always the mother, aren’t you?”
“That’s my job dear.”
“That’s just it. If this was you, or dad, or even Kyle, I wouldn’t think twice. But this is almost weird. I’ve never met her. Never a birthday card, never a Christmas card, and now you want a kidney? What is that?” Mom opens her mouth to speak, but I hold up my hand, “I mean, I know she wasn’t supposed to contact me, but honestly, after 21 years, not only does she want to meet me, she needs a kidney too?”
“I know. I know this is strange, and backwards, and the last thing you want to deal with. But I honestly don’t think she means to hurt you. She just wants to live. And unfortunately, you might be a big factor in this. And you were nervous meeting her, imagine how she must have felt meeting you. The first time she’s seen you since you were a few days old, when she made the decision to give you up, a decision that whether or not she regrets, she’s had to face every day of her life. And she’s not only looking to meet you, she’s asking for a gift, a huge gift. And you hold the purse strings.”
I sigh, and my mother hugs my curled up form. “We’ll get through this Al, all of us. Look at all you’ve accomplished, all the times you’ve fallen and had to climb back up.”
I put my forehead on my knees, “I don’t feel strong. I feel like a mess.”
She lifts my chin so our eyes meet, “You’ll get through this. You’re strong. Have faith. Relax for today, get tested tomorrow, and then we can re-evaluate. And you feel like a mess because you are a mess. Go shower, you’ll feel better. I told Kyle I’d take him and a friend to Burger King later, you can come and keep me company.”
“Only you,” I say, half out of frustration, half out of relief. I’m glad that while she listened to my rambling and was able to give some advice, she also attempted to lighten the mood, which is exactly what I needed at that point, “would offer fast food as a consolation.”
“Perhaps, but doesn’t it make you feel good?”
“Oh yes”, I respond as I jump off the counter and head back towards the stairs. “Hey mom,” I call out before ascending the steps.
“yeah”, she calls from the kitchen.
“Thanks”

as promised

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 03:09:45 GMT

ok....so im posting my next chapter....those of you still with me, enjoy.......

Saturday, July 2 2005
10am

‘Sweet home Alabama’ is playing as I enter the small diner. It seems a bit ironic, because being home right now is anything but sweet, and Chautauqua County sure as hell aint Alabama. I’m still holding the Starbucks cup, which now contains mom’s coffee, as my cappuccino is long gone. There’s something about the white cup with the green emblem and the brown sleeve that I find comforting. Maybe its because it reminds me of the trip with dad, maybe because in all this craziness, Starbucks provides a hint of normalcy; the walk that Jen and I take each morning at work, the place I go when I need to make it through the day…make it through the day, that’s what I need to do, I remember as I begin to scan the restaurant for Kara.
I spot her near the back at a small, two-person table. She hasn’t noticed my arrival yet, so I pause for a moment to take her in. She looks way too perky for a Saturday morning, kind of like Barbie on a caffeine overdose, but with red hair. The more I think about it, the more I realize I don’t want to talk to her. Not now, not ever. It’s almost as if she can sense this, because she chooses this moment to turn around.
“Alex! Good Morning!” Yep, I was right, highly over caffeinated Barbie.
“Hi Kara, how are you this fine morning?”
“Better than you I’d imagine.”
“Is it that obvious?” I question, although, I’m sure between the jet lag and being up all night, I look quite the mess.
“It would be if you weren’t hiding behind that Starbucks glow”, she tells me, “wait where did you get the Starbucks from? Not here, God knows I’ve been waiting for this town to open one.”
So she likes Starbucks too. Maybe this won’t be as unbearable as I originally thought. I decide to go out on a limb, “So what’s your favorite drink?”
“Latte, vanilla. Gingerbread if it’s Christmas.” She answers.
“Really? Mine too…although the Strawberries and Crème Frappe is an awesome summer choice.”
“Oh my God! I love them too, although I’m a bigger fan of vanilla.”
I set my coffee down in front of the empty chair, “It’s full of mom’s coffee now”, I tell her, “and I finished the cappuccino around 6:30 this morning. Ahhh Cappuccino, God’s gift to people, and the proof that he knows we go without sleep.”
“Wait”, she says, “you didn’t sleep? Like at all.”
“Like at all.” I tell her dryly as I sit down across the table. “So, we know how my night went. How was yours? Lemme guess…you went home from work to your loving boyfriend, cooked a 3 course meal, watched a movie and went to sleep in separate bedrooms?”
Kara gives me this look, as if she doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. After a few seconds of thought, she figures out that sarcasm is my second language. “Actually my dear, you’re not too far off. I went to Keith’s after work, we had dinner and a few drinks, and…” her voice fades to nothing as her facial expression, earlier full of life, turns gray.
“And…” I ask.
“Nothing. Nothing nearly as interesting as a midnight Starbucks run.” She answers. “So, Alex, what are you thinking?”
And just like that, the professional, impersonal Kara I met yesterday has returned. I take a deep breath, pondering how to answer her question. Part of me wants to yell at her and tell her it’s none of her business. Yet I know that while this isn’t her fault, it is very much her business. And at that moment, God smiled at me, and the waitress wandered over to the table, “Can I get you anything?”
“Ummm….no, thanks.” I feel bad, sitting in a restaurant with a Starbucks cup and not ordering anything, but I guess it’s better than ordering food I won’t eat or juice I don’t care to drink. I wait while she takes Kara’s order for juice and a bagel. As soon as she’s done ordering, Kara turns her attention back to me.
“I know this is probably your least favorite thing to talk about…”
“It’s ok. It’s not your fault. And as much as I don’t want to, I need to talk through this.”
“So, what do you want to do?”
“Crawl into a hole and hibernate? I know, I know, that’s not an answer. The small part of my brain that is still able to think rationally thinks that getting tested would be a good thing. Then a rational decision can be made.”
“Ok, and what does Alex think? Rather than the rational part of her brain that she’s allowing to do all the thinking.”
“Honestly, I think I’ll be able to make a better decision once I have all the information in front of me. And I sleep a little. Rash decisions shouldn’t be made on zero sleep.”
“Good call. You know, for all that you’re going through, you’ve managed to keep it together, at least on the outside. I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, but what I can say is that I admire the strength and courage you’ve shown this far.”
“Wow. Kara, that’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. And honestly, I don’t know what to say. Other than thank you. And, I really needed to hear that right now.” With that, I move to get up from the table.
“Alex, wait,” I stop and sit back down. “Do you need someone to go with you? For the tests?”
I’m honestly not sure how to respond to her sudden and unexpected generosity. “ummm…thank you. So much. I think I’m going to ask my mom. But...can I call you?”
“Sweetie, you can call me anytime you need anything.” She paused to dig a scrap of paper and a pen from her bag. She quickly scribbled something down, “Here’s my cell. Call me anytime. I mean that.”
I reach across the table and take the paper from her. “Thanks.”
“Come on kiddo,” she says as she helps me up. I’m not sure at which point in our conversation she got up, but I’m thankful for the small amount of pampering. “I’ll walk you out.”
“Any plans for the night?” I ask her, attempting to return some normalcy to our conversation.
“Night in with Keith. Same as every Saturday, if I’m lucky, I’ll even get some work done.”
“If you’re lucky?”
“Keith is very…very needy.”
“and he doesn’t let you do work?” I interject. However, Kara interrupts me before I can finish.
“No, no , its not like that. He just doesn’t want me to work too hard.” Right. And I’m actually the Queen of England. Unfortunately, I don’t have the energy to pry or fight with her right now.
“What about you?” She asks.
“Huh?”
“Plans. For tonight…”
“Hitting up the Saloon. With Ryan and Nate, who funny story is an ex-boyfriend and now a cop. Who just happened to pull me over yesterday.”
“What? Do tell.”
“Ahh…some other time my friend. For now I must go. I’m suddenly very tired and must sleep before my brain explodes.”
“Alright little miss. But I’m going to hold you to that. Have fun tonight, and be careful.”
“Yes mother…”
The Juke-box is still crooning as we leave the diner. It only takes me a minute to recognize that its playing Avril Lavigne’s Complicated. I think about this song the entire way back home. And how hard I had worked to un-complicate my life, and how complicated it had become, in a matter of days. And how none of it was really my doing.

Saturday, July 2 2005
10:45pm

I was never any good at pool. Ryan had tried to no avail to teach me one night. So why I thought it was a good idea to accept Nate’s challenge is beyond me. Eight Ball, each ball sunk is a shot, I’m stripes, he’s solids, and kicking my ass, in a major way.
“Seven, left corner pocket”, Nate says as he lines up his shot.
“Damn you Nate!” I yell as it goes in.
“Awww…Swearing at local law enforcement, is that really a good idea, Alex? Here, bottoms up”, he says as he hands me a shot.
“Encouraging a young lady to drink? And you call yourself law enforcement.”
“Lady my ass…I knew you when you had one eyebrow.”
“Thanks. Thanks for that Nate.” I look at the shot. God I hate shots. You never get a second chance to make a first impression, and my first impression of a shot of rum, yeah, not so good. Trying to drink the rum, not such a good call. Shooting it out my nose, bad. The alcohol induced nosebleed the next day, even worse. At least this one is vodka, which in my opinion is a reasonably decent drink.
“Bottoms up”, I say, and down it in one gulp. “Gah”, I utter, “did you beat me yet?” I ask him.
“No, but I’m pretty close to kicking your ass.”
I stick my tounge out at him in retort. Childish I know, but he’s right, he is kicking my ass, and childish is all I have left.
“Two, left corner pocket. Five, right corner.”
“Did you lose yet?” Ryan asks as he comes up behind me and puts his arms around my waist.
“No, but I’m working on it.” I say as I gesture to Nate setting up his called shot. The cue ball hits the fifteen, which hits both the two and the five, sending them into their respectively called pockets. His shot couldn’t have been more perfect if he’d set it up himself.
“Wow…World Pool Tour much?” I ask.
“Drink up”, he says, “times two.”
I look at Ryan. “Don’t look at me”, he says, “This was your ingenious idea.”
“Bottoms up babe”, says Nate as he hands me two shots.
Our little competition has caught the attention of most of the Saturday night crowd, old classmates who hadn’t yet gotten around to leaving the area. Now I have more than half of the bar chanting for me to down the shots. I take one, and then the other. This results in cheers from the peanut gallery. There is something to be said about the relationship between amount of alcohol already consumed and the ability to consume more.
“They get easier”, I say to the guys, “as they get higher in number.”
I yawn as I lean my back against Ryan’s chest while Nate lines up his next and hopefully final shot. After my meeting with Kara, I was able to sleep the rest of the afternoon, but the alcohol is making me realize exactly how tired I still am, and the two shots I just took have magnified the effects of the last five. I didn’t realize just how dizzy I felt until now. Normally I’d be worried about how I’d feel in the morning, or having to get up for something, but right now, that’s the furthest thing from my mind. For the first time since this whole ordeal started, I feel almost normal, even if that normal is drunk.
“Eight ball back left corner”, claims Nate as he finishes lining up the shot.
“Check mate”, I say rolling my head back against Ryan’s shoulder until our eyes meet.
“You suck at pool, you know that”, he tells me, “but I love you anyway”, he says as he spins me around and kisses me. At this point, I have lost all interest in the game. There is just the two of us in the world.
“Hell yeah! I’m the kind of the world!” Nate’s shouts bring us out of our perfect moment.
“King of the pool hall maybe, the world, not so sure”, I tell him.
“Jealous?” He asks as he hands me my last shot.
“Yeah, Yeah, Gimme the damn shot.” He hands it to me, and I take it from him. I raise it to my nose, if I wasn’t nauseaus before, I certainly am now, the mere scent of it threatening to put me over the edge, a cross between rubbing alcohol and paint thinner. I sigh, and Ryan once again engulfs me in his arms.
“One more, you can do it, Al. Then I’ll get you out of here.” He promises.
I sigh again, “bottoms up”, I say, looking at both the guys, and dump it down. It doesn’t go down as easy as the previous two and I’m left in a coughing fit. Thankfully, a new game has started, so the attention of the evening crowd is diverted.
Ryan snakes one hand around my waist and takes guides me to a corner table.
“I feel like shit”, I tell him.
“I can tell, here”, he says pulling out a chair for me.
“How many have you had?” He asks as he sits down across from me.
“ummmm…”, I try to count on my hands, but end up just looking at my fingers, as if I’m mystified they still exist. “Eight…nine…ten..if you count the two from before we started playing.”
“And that’s about enough for one night.” he tells me, and hands me a glass of water.
“Thanks”, I reply and put my head on the table. “It’s really loud in here. And I feel kind of…I’m not sure how I feel. Far…Away…” At this point, I’m regretting the drinks, the game, even coming out tonight. “Ry…I utter.”
“Ok…its OK. Come on, let’s get you out of here.” He says as he moves to slide my chair out and stand me up.
I vaguely remember telling people goodbye, although I couldn’t tell you who they were, and that yes, I’ll see them tomorrow. Really, all I remember is curling into Ryan’s side and being so drunk I just want to die.
Slowly, Ryan guides me out of the bar. The cool night air of July in Western New York hits me and I’m done. Right then and there. The massive amount of alcohol I consumed is where it belongs, in the dust that is the parking lot.
I look up into Ryan’s eyes, “I want to go home.”
“I know baby, I know.

i also reposted the one in the diner from a few days ago.....a little changed, and hopefully a little better. if youre reading my story....enjoy...let me know what you think.......

at work...........

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 23:12:37 GMT

i love the fact that i can sit at work and write a journal entry. yay internet access....yay empty office for the next half hour....even then, theres only 2 of us here for the rest of the day. anyway.....

its been awhile since ive updated....prolly cause im still fighting the mold. i dont understand why i cant just beat it with a stick til it dies. i miss my bed :( i miss being able to open my closet door. at least i feel better...damn mold...had me sick friday too...grrr. maybe it will be gone today. im so asking for more than a weeks credit on my rent. they owe me at least 2 if not more. i havent been able to sleep in my room since last wednesday. and even then, i prolly shouldnt have.

brian and i actually went out this weekend. it was fun. we went to hooters. he couldnt believe id never been there....and actually the food was pretty good. and there was quite the interesting game on too....then we went to the cannery...where there are 80 some beers on tap. i had 2....and a shot of something...i dont remember what...but it tasted like cinnamon and had gold in it. even though it was yummy, it took me 4 tries to get it down...im just not meant to take shots....whatev....so after our crazy night out, i 'drunk' dialed melissa at what was 2am for her....i love you melissamylove.....and i loved your message on sunday morning too....course i turned my phone off.....but i saved your message, so in 21 days i will be amused again.....i finished out the evening jumping on the bed....kind of like tom cruise jumping on oprahs couch...i kind of want to jump on a couch right now....maybe i could jump on my desk...think anyone would care? i dont think anyone would know....riiiight...knowing my luck, kelly would come back in then and be like what are you doing? and then it would be like haha ive lost my mind. maybe i could go home then....

i went running on sunday....pittiful 6 mile run, but i did see the cutest dog ever at the park. he was the same colors as a sheep dog, but with long hair....and he was smaller...maybe thigh high on me....so cute.

hmmm........whatelse...im bored....i should do the kids accessories pos cept i dont have the information for them....my tummy hurts...is it 5 yet?

brooke is coming to see me on thursday! cant wait.....not too sure what were doing yet....but i get to meet the baby :) she mentioned something about sea food....yummmmmm sea food...can you hear the sarcasm in my voice? although i did eat an artichoke on friday....thank you kelly for broadening my food horizons....took me back to brooke in central square feeding me a tangerine.....cept the artichoke was better....

ok...off to find something productive to do. i will, however, post another update to my story later....just for you melissa...cause i called you at 2am ;)

as if we didnt know already

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 21:03:49 GMT

i found this quiz this morning....haha...as if we didnt know already...........

You Have A Type A+ Personality

A+

You're driven to succeed every single second of the day
And you don't let up on your goals, no matter how tired you are
You've already acheived a lot in your life... but it's not enough for you

Always on the go, you tend to get things done quickly and effectively
You have the personality to be a successful enterpreneur
Just remember to play a little too, even if play is the most difficult thing for you!

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

my story thus far

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 06:40:17 GMT

ok...since there was some interest, im posting my story as it stands right now. not done....just what i have so far. the last chapter is really raw and unedited. i just needed to get it done. if you have time, check it out....let me know what you think. and if you know of a song i can use at the end of the last one, let me know. so...here goes...

Friday, July 1st
1pm

“Alex?.....Alex?...are you in here….”, I can hear Kara calling me as I continue to empty the nonexistent contents of my stomach in the bathroom. I don’t respond because talking is the last thing I feel like doing right now, least of all to explain myself to some Legal Aide Attorney I’ve never met. “I know you’re in here”, she calls,” I think you’re the only one in Jamestown with a bright pink coach bag.” I unlatch the door and come out to face her.
“Oh…sweetie…”, she starts, “why don’t we go to Delia’s and grab a bite and a cup of coffee?” I take in her sympathetic look and right now it’s just too much to handle. All I really want is to get away from everyone. Curl up in a little hole…wake me up in November…right…cause that will ever happen.

“I appreciate the offer…but I really think…I really need to just….just go home for now.” She opens her mouth I’m sure to disagree with me. After all, she is a lawyer. I hold up my hand to stop her. “Look, it’s Friday afternoon. Nothing can really happen with this until Monday. I’m beat…if you’re free tomorrow, I’d be happy to meet you anytime after…oh, I don’t know…10…”

“I agree…10am at Delia’s? I know you live in Lakewood, but I’m out here and if you wouldn’t mind….” Her voice trails of as she becomes unsure as to how I’ll respond.

“That’s fine”, I assure her. I’m really not sure if I can steal one of the cars, but it will be Saturday and neither of my parents should need the car. Even if they did, I wouldn’t feel the slightest pang of regret standing her up, well maybe a little. But in all I’ve been through, I think I deserve some time being AWOL.

“Why don’t I walk you out.”, she begins. However, I don’t hear her because I’ve already left the bathroom and am making my way to the courthouse doors. I have begun to feel suffocated and am so concerned with getting to the outside world before I collapse, I don’t hear my dad calling my name from the end of the hallway. I only pick up speed until I reach my destination.

Friday, July 1st
3:30pm

I’ve heard that God does not put in front of us that which we cannot handle. My parents raised a strong daughter, but I honestly don’t think I can do this. I have spent the last two and a half hours driving around aimlessly. I have always enjoyed ridding around in the car, ever since I was a little kid. Then, I always begged my dad to take me home the long way, or begging to get fast food and then drive around while I ate it. Once I could drive myself around, that’s just what I did. While I loved my parents, I never really wanted to be hanging out at home. Still to this day, I can’t sit and watch television without a guilty conscience…probably a good thing, thanks to my mother. Driving around in my current state of mind and exhaustion is not the wisest decision I could make right now, but I know that even as exhausted as I am, sleep will not come. I don’t feel like going anywhere that I might run into an acquaintance, I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

As if some greater being can tell the last thing I feel like doing at the moment is talking, my cell phone begins to shriek. It startles me out of my thoughts, and I realize by the ring tone that it’s my boss. I vaguely remember calling her voice mail last night and telling her I was leaving town and didn’t know when I’d be returning…and therefore would be out until further notice. Its nothing I’ve ever done before, then again, I’m going through nothing I’ve ever gone through before. I realize that it’s 12:30 California time and this is probably the first free moment she’s had to respond to my message. Maybe she’s calling to tell me to either get there or not to bother coming back. That’d be a shame…then I could just move back home and let them harvest all of my organs…stop, I tell myself...you don’t even know if you’re a match…another shriek from my cell phone further jerks me out of my thoughts. “Hello?”, I finally answer.

“Alex, it’s Kat. What’s going on? Why is it that you’ve felt the need to go AWOL on us. I hate to break it to you, but I need you this week…” Her voice trails off as I cut her short.

“Kat…I’m so sorry. I can’t be there and honestly, I can’t really deal with this right now.”

“Alex, let me tell you what I can’t deal with right now. I have a huge week in front of me and apparently I just lost my assistant. Now I have to cancel my vacation plans and you don’t even have the decency to get in here and talk to me in person…speaking off…get here so we can discuss this…by the end of the day if you like your job.”

“I…I can’t…”, my voice trails off…I know she’s going to flip when she finds out I’ve not only left the state, but gone across the country. “I’m at home…in New York.”

“What?! Alex!?! If you needed time, you should have come to me…you can have the time…you just need to tell me what’s going on.” I sigh deeply because I knew this was coming, and this is not a conversation I want to be having, much less a person I want to be having it with. I take a deep breath before I begin.

“My mom called me Thursday night. I was adopted as a child. My birth mother is sick…” I stop for a moment…as if saying this will actually make it real…and if I can hold off on saying it out loud, it won’t be and I can go back to my life, “and she wants a kidney”.

“What?” she gasps…”Alex…Oh man…wow…I’m so sorry…I…I don’t know what to say. Take all the time you need.” At this point she’s begun to ramble. And then I am saved by the bell…or the siren if you want to be specific. Damn it! Exactly what I need right now, to be pulled over.

“Kat…listen, I gotta go. I’ll call you later.” Then I hang up the phone without waiting for her response.

I wait patiently for the officer to get out of the car and approach my window. I’m surprisingly calm throughout the ordeal, nothing like the last time. In the Pizza Hut parking lot, I had been taking my friend Julie home at 1am, which in good ole J-town is a crime. The officer was convinced I was drunk, and then when that failed, he started in on my registration, and then when he realized he had nothing on me, was pretty pissed. As was my father, it took me 3 whole days to tell him, and in the end, he was out for the officer’s blood. This time, I can’t even tell you why he pulled me over. I had been talking to Kat, so I know I wasn’t falling asleep at the wheel. I was pretty sure I wasn’t speeding. Damn what was it. It was my mom’s van, She usually kept it in pretty good shape. I pulled the registration out of the glove compartment and my license out of my wallet as the cop strode up to the window.

“License and registration”, he quipped. I handed them to him. He looked at them briefly. “Well I’ll be damned…look what the cat dragged in.” I slide my sunglasses down on my nose so I can get a closer look at the individual at my window.

“Nate? You’re…You’re on the force?” I question. Seeing Nate here is quite a surprise, and it would be a welcome one if my situation were any different. I wasn’t kidding before when I said I was not in the mood for small talk, especially with a high school ex-boyfriend, especially when said ex is the cop who just pulled me over for god knows what reason.

“That I am…and you, wow California. Pretty far…whatcha doing there?”

“Working…loving it generally.”

“Good. Glad to hear it. Ran into Ryan the other day. He mentioned you guys were back together. I’m happy for you. I better get an invite to the wedding.”

“Sure, I’ll let you know.”

“What brings you to these parts?”

“Just some family stuff…nothing crazy”, I reply. Little white lies never hurt anyone right? And I really didn’t think I could handle discussing my current situation with Nate.

“Good”, he says as he hands me my documents back, “ take care of yourself, a bunch of us usually hit the Saloon for drinks on weekends. We’d love to see you, grab Ryan and drop by.”

“I’ll look into it.” I respond as he moves to leave. “Nate…um…why….”

“Oh…and Alex…cell phones plus driving equals another meeting with me.” Gah...so that’s what it was. Damn New York and their stupid cell phone laws. I just want to go home. Back to California, back to my new job that up until a day ago I was loving, but probably no longer have. I’d take Ryan with me though, I do miss him. Ryan, damn, I need to call him. Not now, now I just want my house and my mom and maybe some food.

Friday, July 1 2005
8pm

Dinner passed pretty silently. I almost wished I had slept through it. I was in fact sleeping, for the first time in what seemed like forever, and my mom woke me up for dinner just like she did when I would fall asleep doing homework in high school. The home cooked meal was nothing to make light of either…as I remembered, I hadn’t eaten since my lunch break Thursday afternoon. It seemed like a life-time ago looking back, chatting excitedly with Jen about her upcoming wedding. Now Jen, Kat, and my dream job that I had worked so hard to get seemed like another life, one that I may never get back.

I found it comforting to listen to my parents and brother talk about their lives and their daily activities. It was even somewhat comforting to tell them about my new job. They never asked about my meeting that day. I think they knew I didn’t feel like talking and would come to them when I did. After my day, I found this relieving.

I stood in the living room and dug my toes into the thick blue carpet. I haven’t been home in any way, shape, or form since the summer after my freshman year in Boston. However it only takes one night of family dinner to make me feel like I never left, that and the carpet between my toes. It’s a feeling that I can’t seem to forget. It’s almost like sand, minus the granular crunchiness that I hate. Thick and soft and just long enough to roll my toes in comfortably. I can safely say I will never forget this carpet or its color. It’s the color I matched exactly with wallpaper when I had been at Don Gage looking with a friend at age 10. The color I stared at when my best friend and I hid from the UPS man the first time we were home alone. Why the carpet brings up this memory is beyond me. I remember that day like the back of my hand for a moment. Ashley and I had been left home alone while my parents ran out. Man were we excited, until there was a knock at the door. We didn’t open it, as we had been told. Rather than be normal and just sit on the couch or go upstairs, we hid. I remember hiding behind the couch. I’m not sure where Ashley went. Then the door opened…man were we scared. ‘ok kids’ we heard. Oh my god, they’re breaking in. However, it was that minute that my parents came home and my dad came in deciding to have some fun of his own. Once we realized it was him, everything had been fine. Like it always was. Was, key word. Was ok, as in then, not now. I am so far into my thoughts I don’t hear my dad come up behind me.

“Allie”, he says taking a deep breath. From his tone of voice and his pattern of speech and the fact he’s using the nickname I’ve hated since fourth grade, I can tell that this conversation is heading no place I would like it to go.

I honestly don’t know what to say to him, so I continue to relish the feeling of the carpet against my toes as I dig them further into it, all the while wishing my carpet in California was anything like this one.

“Tell me what’s really going on”, he begins.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not sure what to think. I’m not sure how to handle it. And quite frankly, I’m not so sure I want to.”

“You don’t really have a choice, but I know you’ll make the right decision.” All that’s gone on in the past 24 hours and that’s the best he can come up with? I need to go. Away from here, and fast. I can’t think right now, much less carry on any type of conversation regarding a potential decision. Suddenly the carpet no longer feels good under my feet. I want to hide them and myself away from the rest of the world.

“I’m sorry, I have to go. I just can’t do this right now.” I ignore the hurt look on my dad’s face as I brush past him to the foyer. In my fever to leave California, I am thankful that I remembered my running shoes. I shove bare feet into them and take off, slamming the door shut behind me. I pretend not to hear my father’s shouts from inside the house.

Friday, July 1 2005
9pm

I have loved running for as long as I can remember. It always brought a certain solstice to my life. Anything I found frustrating or aggravating could be cured by a run, because in general, I don’t think when I run. I think in my car, and god knows I had done enough thinking for one day. When I run, it’s all about finishing. Getting to that destination. Nothing else matters, and if you’ve given it your all, you’re a winner.

The New York air is warm, nothing like the cool morning air in San Francisco that burns the inside of your nose and lungs with chill. I take off, breathing the warm night air in through my nose and cycle it out through my mouth. It’s all about the breathing. In through the nose…out through the mouth…in through the nose…out through the mouth. That’s about all the thinking I need to do to run. Fast and far, away, that’s all that matters to me right now. Getting out of here. I fly down the hill that is my street, the hill I whined about walking up from the bus stop as a child, the hill my bike dragged me down when I was 9 or 10, causing brush burns the entire length of my stomach. If only I had zipped up my coat like my mother told me. How many times does that happen? Do we think like that? If only I had listened to my mother. Why is she always right? Mom. She definitely would tell me NOT to be running in the dark. But this is Jamestown. Nothing bad happens here…EVER. I’m not going to get grabbed off the street. And if I do, it will put me out of my misery.

I keep a steady pace as I head out on to Main St. In five minutes, I’m passing the mall. The mall where I used to work, in the job that quickly became my life, sigh, those were the days, when my biggest worry was working the four hours they would give me each week.

I continue with the pace, if not quickening it as I head toward Jamestown. Past the Applebee’s where we used to hang out after the football and basketball games, past the gas station where I would go with my dad before we drove around for hours, past my old church, past the local grocery store where I used to shop with my mom.

I’m running faster than I ever thought possible, but then again, I always could run faster when I was upset or angry. Like my high school track meet when I was pissed off at my boss and my coach…won ¾ of my events. I keep running towards Jamestown, sure of my destination, but not sure of the route. I ran my first marathon a few weeks ago, so the distance doesn’t phase me. Suddenly there is only one person I want to see, and I can’t get there fast enough.

30 minutes later, I’m racing past the community college. I’m going to feel this one in the morning, hell, I’m feeling it now, but I’m almost there. In another three minutes, I’m at Ryan’s door. I’m hoping he’ll be home, but I know I don’t have to hope for that, he’ll be there. I take the last of my energy and bang on the door. It takes him all of 20 seconds to open it.

“Alex? What the…did you run here? From your house? Are you insane?”

“Probably…”, a smirk appears on my face.

An hour later I’ve showered am lying with my head on his lap while he plays with my hair. I’m suddenly very tired, the day has taken its toll.

“Call your house”, he tells me. I just sigh. “That wasn’t a question, I don’t want the entire police department outside my door tomorrow morning cause you didn’t tell anyone where you were.”

“I ran away, I didn’t get kidnapped”, I reason as I make a grab for his cell phone. I dial. One ring, that’s all it took. Maybe half a ring.

“Alex? Oh my god…thank god you’re safe. Where are you, I can have dad come get you.”

“Mom! Mom! Calm down. I’m fine. This is Jamestown, not the San Francisco Tenderloin. I’m at Ryan’s. I’ll…I’ll be home in the morning.

“Alex, exactly what were you thinking? Taking off on your own at this time of night.” Great, she’s handed the phone off to dad now. He’s going to insist on coming to get me, and I just can’t handle being at home right now.

“That’s just it dad. For the first time all day, I wasn’t. Just had to clear my head. I’m fine. I’m at Ryan’s, he’s going to bring me home bright and early so I can go meet with the legal aide attorney. I repeat, I’m fine. I ran away. I found my destination. There’s nothing to worry about, and I’ll see you in the morning.” With that I hang up the phone.

Part of me feels bad because I know he’s freaking out. Freaking out over what is or is not going on right now, freaking out over the challenge that has been placed in front of me, freaking out that the little girl who used to share Dairy Queen Blizzards on the hood of a blue Chevy Nova is anything but a little girl anymore.

Saturday, July 1 2005
12:30am
I feel like I’m losing her. Here I sit, in our house, or what was our house. She’s a town away. A mere 13 miles tops, but she might as well be a country away. I felt closer to her when she was 3000 miles away than I did tonight when we were in the living room.
Her mother went to bed hours ago, just after we found out that she was safe. I’d rather her not be spending the night with Ryan, but I know I have to let her go sometime. Her mother claims that she will be fine and that she is a young lady and can be trusted to make the right decisions. I know I have to believe her, and I do trust Alex, it’s just hard to believe that the little girl who used to share a Dairy Queen Blizzard with me on the hood of my old blue Nova is not my little girl anymore.
So I sit here, under the clear sky and a blanket of stars and I keep telling myself that I’m not worried about her. She’s fallen before, she’s been knocked down, but she’s always gotten back up, ten times stronger than she was before she fell. She’s strong, but she doesn’t always realize exactly how strong she is. Someone, somewhere, gave her an amazing sense of strength. I wish I could take the credit for her strength, but I know I can’t. Everyday, I get up and thank god that she has turned into the person she has become.
I continue thinking of her as my eyes scan my surroundings. I have spent many nights out on my deck, the yard, the house, its all familiar, yet tonight it is as if I am watching it from a far in a home movie. I can almost hear the springs on the trampoline as 12 year old Alex flies through the air. I never told her, but it was always delightful to watch her out there. Free as a bird…she always used to say she felt like she was flying. She always wanted me to join her. I need company out there she’d pout. Really, I think that she liked to have someone help her bounce higher, either way, right now I’m wishing I had taken that opportunity when I’d had it. I think of 14 year old Alex who’s favorite summer sleeping spot was the trampoline. I remember telling her of the danger of bears, and her laughing at me and telling me that no animal would be able to walk on the trampoline, cause she’d just bounce it off. I continue to laugh as I see 16 and 17 year old Alex on the trampoline in her prom dress. She did that both years. It was the latter of the years that Ryan climbed up there with her. I guess that’s when I knew they were meant to be.
My gaze shifts to the side woods, where I can see the neighbor’s deck, illuminated by their pool lights. It was on that deck that Alex and I had our first drink together. Father and daughter, sharing a beer at the block party. A party that we both wanted to run and hide from. The thought of her drinking always made me uneasy. She’d go to bars with her friends…places I wouldn’t dream of touching the door handle to, much less crossing the threshold. God knows what she had on at the time. She had left that night in a sweatshirt, I may be old, but I’m not stupid, no one goes out to a bar in a sweatshirt, not at her age. Maybe it’s better I didn’t know. Maybe she never did drink when she was there, in all honesty, I don’t want to know. All I know is that night, sitting at the block party, I realized she had grown up. I took a step back, and was amazed that the little girl I used to push on the swing set had grown into a beautiful young lady.
The thought of the swing set takes my gaze to that side of the yard. Although that part of the yard is empty now, save for the holes where the swing set was sunk in the ground, I see the blue and white swing set her mother and I bought at Sears when Alex was 4. I can still hear her laughing as she swings on the plastic swing. I remember the glider that resided at the right side. In later years it was almost always covered in spiders, and because it was the later years that Alex seemed to remember she was a girl and should be afraid of spiders, she hardly ever used it. Other than once, the one time she got it going pretty good. Glider flying, metal creaking, and Alex decided to run underneath it. Got railed in the head by the darn thing. I think that might have been the last time she ever touched it.
I shift my eyes back to the house and look at the windows. Second floor, first one from the right, that’s her old room. The one without the screen. We took it off when she was about 10. Wanted to drop eggs out the window and see if they broke. So we spent the day making and testing many different types of “egg rockets” as she called them. Screen never made it back to the window.
As many times as I tell myself that I shouldn’t worry about her, I do. I can’t help it, but I do and the memories aren’t helping. She’s everywhere I look, her sound is in everything I hear. She stole my heart the moment I held her and I still haven’t gotten back. Once upon a time she was my baby, and she’ll always be daddy’s little girl.
The creek of the front door jars me from my thoughts. It’s only then that I realize my eyes are full of tears. I push aside the screen door and enter the house.

Saturday, July 2 2005
1:30am
As I open the screen door, I realize I don’t have any keys on me. I hope the door isn’t locked. I’m not sure why I’m worried, they almost always leave it open, especially if I’m out at night. I try my luck at the door, if it fails, I can always go in the garage, and risk waking the entire house. Not that anyone would care that I was coming home this late. They weren’t really expecting me at all. I had planned to stay the night at Ryan’s, but I couldn’t sleep, so I made him take me home. I’m not sure why, before, I couldn’t get away fast enough, but now, there’s no place I’d rather be. Ryan was a good sport, whatever you need sweetie, he had told me. Wow, I guess that’s what love is.

For once today, well, tomorrow I guess, luck is on my side and the door opens. I’m filled with mixed feelings as I push open the door. Half of me is hoping that no one is awake because part of me doesn’t feel much like talking. The other half of me is hoping that my dad is his usual TV spot, the living room chair, waiting to watch television or chat with me, or that he’ll be out on the deck, beer in hand, feet up, blanket over his legs, enjoying air. “I have to breathe”, he always said. After a day of not wanting to talk to anyone, I find myself hoping slightly more for the latter.

I hear the screen door slide and my dad comes in the house as I enter the foyer and kick off my shoes. He looks at me through the open living room door. Brown eyes meet blue as I look up from kicking off my shoes. He holds my gaze for a second, and that’s all I need for the tears I’ve been holding in all day to fall. I walk toward him, and he meets me before I get in two steps. He takes me in his arms like he did when I was a little girl. I can’t remember the last time he saw me cry, if he ever saw me cry. Maybe when I was four and fell off my bike in the bank parking lot. He carried me home in one hand and the bike in another. And straight into my mother’s arms I went. However, right now it doesn’t matter to me that he hasn’t seen me cry in years, no one has. I’m the suffer in silence type, just like him, but in this situation, all bets are off.

It takes me about ten minutes to get myself back under some sort of control. At the same time, I remember the last time I went psycho like this. When I was deciding where to go to college. That was the only time I really ran away, before tonight, except then I didn’t really run away, I took my car and drove.

“What’s really going on”, I tell him, “is that I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I feel like I’m in uncharted waters. I don’t know these people, I don’t know anything about them, hell, I never really thought about them until yesterday. Part of me wants to run back to California and forget this ever happened. Part of me thinks I should just go through with it, screw what I have going on in my life. And yet another part of me wants to drive the car into the lake and worry about the rest later.” There, I feel slightly better after my outburst. For the first time in more than 24 hours, I feel almost normal. “What I really want right now, is to get in the car, jack up the radio, and sing at the top of my lungs.”

“What are you waiting for?” he asks me.

“Huh?” I manage to utter. Dad has always been against me aimlessly driving, much less aimlessly driving at 2 in the morning. Before I realize what’s going on, he has the keys in his hand, I’ve put on flip flops, and we’re heading out the door.

Soon we’re making our way to the highway, the place we’re least likely to be stopped by the local law enforcement. Thinking of law enforcement reminds me of my earlier encounter. “Hey dad”, I begin, “remember when I got pulled over that last summer I was home? And you were so mad that some officer had nothing better to do with his time than harass me and Julie?”

“Yeah honey, I remember.”

It amazes me that he hasn’t attempted to turn down the radio at any point in this conversation. It’s usually the first thing he does when we get in the car. Either turn my music off or down, with some comment on how I may like it blarring, but I don’t have to share my music with the world. I hear the first chords to the song “Get to Me”, by Train.

“I LOVE this song”, I squeal. Dad just smiles. I begin to sing along. I know I have no singing talent, but in the car, I don’t care. Usually I behave in front of other people, but if its just me and my Jetta…look out. However, like everything else in this situation, I don’t care. Plus, it’s my dad, he’s been driven crazy by me for 21 years. Why would I stop now?

I hear my favorite part of the song, “maybe you could pollinate upon the golden gate, take a left hand turn at the corner of Haight and then sharp right at the first street light….” I look at my dad, at 2:30 in the morning, driving down the road, me singing along to my favorite song, my favorite lyric that reminds me of home. “I want to go home.” I tell him, pulling my knees up to my chin. “I want to go home and forget this ever happened. I want to go back to my life, the life I fought for, the life I built for myself.” I pause. “Does that make me a horrible person? I should help this woman. She’s my flesh and blood, even though I’ve never met her. I should have the tests, just to see if I’m a match, then I can deal with it from there. I’d want someone to help me.” I finally take a breath, exhausted. Then I look at my dad.

“I know you want to go home. I don’t blame you. I’d probably want to go home too. I know how hard you’ve worked to build your life out there. How much you’ve gone up against. How much you’ve grown in the process. How many times you’ve fallen, and how many times you’ve had to pick yourself up again, and how much stronger you are each time that happens. I used to worry about you Allie, I worried that you’d never find yourself. You always tried to please everyone else, be it your job, be it your coaches, teachers, even your mom and me, but you’ve grown up Alex. You know you need me time. I think that getting tested is a good first step. Then you have all the information in front of you, and you can make an informed decision. If you are a match, then you and only you can decide what to do. You just need to make sure that whatever that decision is right for you as well. You can’t please everyone all the time. And in this situation, you have to start with yourself.”

“Wow”, I sigh.

“Didn’t think I had it in me did you?” he asks. I just laugh. God I love my dad. How did I get so lucky? Her…that’s how I got so lucky. If I had been born a year later, I’d be the one taking care of her. I sigh.

“Don’t give her the credit.” Says Dad, as if he can read my thoughts. “We’re a great family because of us. Not because of someone else. Yes, she did let you go and yes, you did get placed with us, but do I think you would have been who you are regardless? Yes, yes I do. Alex, you’re a lot like your mother and me, but there’s parts of you that are solely you. Your strength, I don’t think that all came from either one of us. You may be building on something we taught you. But look at what you’ve done. You’re a small town girl. Making it in the big city, first in Boston, now a country away in San Francisco. Remember when you were trying to decide where to go to college?”, I nod my head, “ And how we tried to get you to go to Ohio State? And the fit you pitched?”, I chuckle at this memory, I’m glad we can look back on it now and laugh. “It took guts to do that Al, and you did. Drove us about over the edge that week, but we worked it out. Just like we always do. Just like we always will. I know this situation sucks, and the final decision rests with you and you alone, but we will help you as much as we can. And whatever you decide, we will support you 100%.”

I realize at that instant how lucky I am to have such supportive parents. I’m not sure how to respond, so I say the only thing I know right now, and I haven’t said it nearly as much as I should have, “I love you dad.”

“I love you too, Alex, you’re a great kid.”

“You’re a great dad”, I tell him back, without missing a beat, just like I have since I was a little girl.

We’ve been driving for quite awhile at this point, and know going home to sleep is moot point now. “Where are we going?”, I ask.

“Starbucks”, he replies, “I know you have to meet with what’s her name at ten and you’re not going to sleep, I figured you could use it.”

Twenty minutes later, I’m sipping a Grande Cappuccino from Starbucks and for that instant, all is right with the world.

Saturday, July 2 2005
10am

‘Sweet home Alabama’ is playing as I enter the small diner. It seems a bit ironic, because being home right now is anything but sweet, and Chautauqua County sure as hell aint Alabama. I’m still holding the Starbucks cup, which now contains mom’s coffee, as my cappuccino is long gone. There’s something about the white cup with the green emblem and the brown sleeve that I find comforting. Maybe its because it reminds me of the trip with dad, maybe because in all this craziness, Starbucks provides a hint of normalcy; the walk that Jen and I take each morning at work, the place I go when I need to make it through the day…make it through the day, that’s what I need to do, I remember as I begin to scan the restaurant for Kara.
I spot her near the back at a small, two-person table. She hasn’t noticed my arrival yet, so I pause for a moment to take her in. She looks way too perky for a Saturday morning, kind of like Barbie on a caffeine overdose, but with red hair. The more I think about it, the more I realize I don’t want to talk to her. Not now, not ever. It’s almost as if she can sense this, because she chooses this moment to turn around.
“Alex! Good Morning!” Yep, I was right, highly over caffeinated Barbie.
“Hi Kara, how are you this fine morning?”
“Better than you I’d imagine.”
“Is it that obvious?” I question, although, I’m sure between the jet lag and being up all night, I look quite the mess.
“It would be if you weren’t hiding behind that Starbucks glow”, she tells me, “wait where did you get the Starbucks from? Not here, God knows I’ve been waiting for this town to open one.”
So she likes Starbucks too. Maybe this won’t be as unbearable as I originally thought. I decide to go out on a limb, “So what’s your favorite drink?”
“Latte, vanilla. Gingerbread if it’s Christmas.” She answers.
“Really? Mine too…although the Strawberries and Crème Frappe is an awesome summer choice.”
“Oh my God! I love them too, although I’m a bigger fan of vanilla.”
I set my coffee down in front of the empty chair, “It’s full of mom’s coffee now”, I tell her, “and I finished the cappuccino around 6:30 this morning. Ahhh Cappuccino, God’s gift to people, and the proof that he knows we go without sleep.”
“Wait”, she says, “you didn’t sleep? Like at all.”
“Like at all.” I tell her dryly as I sit down across the table. “So, we know how my night went. How was yours? Lemme guess…you went home from work to your loving boyfriend, cooked a 3 course meal, watched a movie and went to sleep in separate bedrooms?”
Kara gives me this look, as if she doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. After a few seconds of thought, she figures out that sarcasm is my second language. “Actually my dear, you’re not too far off. I went to Keith’s after work, we had dinner and a few drinks, and…” her voice fades to nothing as her facial expression, earlier full of life, turns gray.
“And…” I ask.
“Nothing. Nothing nearly as interesting as a midnight Starbucks run.” She answers. “So, Alex, what are you thinking?”
And just like that, the professional, impersonal Kara I met yesterday has returned. I take a deep breath, pondering how to answer her question. Part of me wants to yell at her and tell her it’s none of her business. Yet I know that while this isn’t her fault, it is very much her business. And at that moment, God smiled at me, and the waitress wandered over to the table, “Can I get you anything?”
“Ummm….no, thanks.” I feel bad, sitting in a restaurant with a Starbucks cup and ordering nothing, but I guess it’s better than ordering food I won’t eat or juice I don’t care to drink. I wait while she takes Kara’s order for juice and a bagel. As soon as she’s done ordering, Kara turns her attention back to me.
“I know this is probably your least favorite thing to talk about…”
“It’s ok. It’s not your fault. And as much as I don’t want to, I need to talk through this.”
“So, what do you want to do?”
“Crawl into a hole and hibernate? I know, I know, that’s not an answer. The small part of my brain that is still able to think rationally thinks that getting tested would be a good thing. Then a rational decision can be made.”
“Ok, and what does Alex think? Rather than the rational part of her brain that she’s allowing to do all the thinking.”
“Honestly, I think I’ll be able to make a better decision once I have all the information in front of me. And I sleep a little. Rash decisions shouldn’t be made on zero sleep.”
“Good call. You know, for all that you’re going through, you’ve managed to keep it together, at least on the outside. I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, but what I can say is that I admire the strength and courage you’ve shown this far.”
“Wow. Kara, that’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. And honestly, I don’t know what to say. Other than thank you. And, I really needed to hear that right now.” With that, I move to get up from the table.
“Alex, wait,” I stop and sit back down. “Do you need someone to go with you? For the tests?”
I’m honestly not sure how to respond to her sudden and unexpected generosity. “ummm…thank you. So much. I think I’m going to ask my mom. But...can I call you?”
“Sweetie, you can call me anytime you need anything.” She paused to dig a scrap of paper and a pen from her bag. She quickly scribbled something down, “Here’s my cell. Call me anytime. I mean that.”
I reach across the table and take the paper from her. “Thanks.”
“Come on kiddo,” she says as she helps me up. I’m not sure at which point in our conversation she got up, but I’m thankful for the small amount of pampering. “I’ll walk you out.”
The Juke-box is still crooning as we leave the diner.

a/n ok….so that’s it for now….im kind of stuck with the end of this one. What song should be playing when they leave the diner? I want it to be something that sums up how alex is feeling. And im kind of lost right now, but I need to finish this….writers block or something. Ideas? Let me know…..