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i dont know.....

when i typed in the subject for my entry because the computer remembers key strokes, it brought up my 'i dont give up that easily' entry, so i went back and re-read it. and under that was one from 3 days before...about how all i wanted to do was give up.

Jul. 22nd, 2005

07:09 pm - i dont give up that easily...

"i dont give up that easily", i say....
"not giving up..take a break...", she responds
"its all the same to me...."

i think back to this mornings conversation during our trash run. a few months ago, that would have sent me into a tailspin. now i just dont care. well, i care about me...my dream...and achieving it. i dont care if someone doesnt believe in me...i dont care if no one believes in me...however, i know thats not true...there are atleast 5 of you out there ;) and my answer to her first question, i dont give up that easily...thats what it all boils down to. i just dont. my first attepmt didnt work out...so it became, do you really want to do this? and the answer was still yes...so how do you do this...go there..so i did. and now try...and try...and try again. if ive learned anything with these people, its that it aint ever gonna be easy.... everything is a fight...but it just makes victory so much sweeter. its the reason i changed majors....its the reason i kept going when i had every reason to stop...its the reason i gave up everything....so yes, i am going to keep at it until i get in and no...im not going to stop..cease..wait in anyway..cause every missed opportunity could be MY opportunity.

people will never cease to amaze me....its interesting that people i havent known that long seem to have my back...today when i get a manager asking me if im still going to be around next week or if im going to corporate...and when i say i still dont have a job there, he tells me i should be schmoozing with the corporate types that come in to the store all the time...and im like they dont want to talk to me...and what exactly would i say? and then jayne steps in to save me..."and thats why youve gotten where you are?" i never saw it coming :) and its really interesting when all you need is for your friend to be just that, your friend. and they seem to miss that...jumps out and smacks them in the face, yet they still miss it. and all they give you is a way to stab another friend in the back. i guess im finally figuring out whos really there. those who dont have to return phone calls, b/c they call on their own. those who are there when you need them...and seem to know exactly what to say....

i got my vacation approved. which means come september, brian and i will be driving across the country together. i cant wait...its going to be a long drive...but well make it fun. i cant wait for him to be out here....and we will be able to see eachother all the time :) i think thats all for now...i figured it was time for a nice update ;) *sigh* so tired....but thats ok cause i can sleep in tomorrow cause i dont have to be at work til 1....and its friday, so i can sit and watch law and order all night....i admit im pathetic...but i like it :)

Jul. 19th, 2005

05:21 pm - what was i thinking?!?!

so...what the fuck was i thinking? what exactly made me think i could move 3000 miles away from everything i know and love chasing a dream that apparently doesnt exist. first, its well, we really like you and you are qualified...BUT we have a person who has had this job before....then its well, they really liked you, BUT theyre going to take someone else...now its..they liked you and wanted to interview the rest of the people to make sure you were the person for the job...BUT in the end, it came down to them not thinking you would be happy in the job because you dont understand fully its function...RIGHT...thats why i wanted to interview for it..cause i dont have a fucking clue. and all this coming from a lady who asked me if i would miss my job too much coming there....again..cleaing poop off the wall is NOT what i want to be doing..EVER...especially since i have a fucking degree....who is she to decide what would make me happy? i understand that the job is not glamourous...BUT it is with corporate...which to me is way better than what im doing now...oh..and apparently i shouldnt have any career goals either..from talking to the recruiter today, im thinking that next time i say i dont know what i want to do...this for awhile and then...hell maybe ill join the circus....i just dont get it. why is this always such a nightmare...im sick of it sucking all the time...im sick of everyone else...i want it to be ME...I WANT A CHANCE DAMNIT!!! i have given them 5 years....and not to work in a damn store forever...i NEVER signed that contract, although im feeling like i did. im sick of being written off cause i work in a store...im sick of it always being someone else...im sick of fighting....im sick of wanting it more than anything and getting shit...ALL THE TIME...if one thing could work out with me and this company, thatd be great....
i keep asking myself why i want it....why i did this....why i decided a long time ago that id rather get the shit kicked out of me by gap than work anywhere else is beyond me. mom suggested i take another job anywhere in an office so they can see i dont want to work in a store forever.....hello..i am interviewing arent i? and i didnt put in 5 and a half years to walk away....ive done my time....where is my good kharma? ive waited long enough....
long enough for what? she didnt seem to into getting me set up with another interview, although the position is open. and its with baby gap no less. not sure what the deal was there...its so aggrivating....perhaps i only will ever be good enough to them to work in a store....maybe the sooner i accept that, the better off ill be.....

theyre both under the cut....read it...dont...doesnt matter to me....i just...i dont know i guess, but when do we ever know. i mean, we go balls to the wall for something, anything that we believe in, and was it right? i mean, i guess well never know. we end up where we are in life because we are suposed to be there. i didnt get the rmp job because i was suposed to come out here and make it on my own, and honestly, i dont think i would change that. i just look back at what i wrote and how i realized, on the 22nd of july that anything in life thats worth it, is worth fighting for, and if it was easy, then everyone would do it. yes, there were times when i thought my life would fall apart...there were times when i thought id never make it....there were times when i thought i would cry if the alarm went off at 4am one more day. but i kept fighting and interviewing.....even in the most disheartening situations. i didnt get any of the early jobs because i was meant to have the one at outlet....and no matter what happens there in the next few days, weeks, whatever, its what was meant to be...and if i dont like it now, its because theres something better down the road.

kelly gave me a ride back to san bruno tonite cause i missed the shuttle...it was cool though cause i got to design underwear....yep, the girls 7 pack days of the week underwear at gap outlet next fall.....check it out....cause i created it (color and graphics) today :) soooo cool. anyway....we were talking and she mentioned something about how some people just get jobs really easily, and other people have a really tough time, for no apparent reason...and im like yep, welcome to my world. and shes like you have a job...and im like yes, but do you know what it took to get it? and how many i went through...and she says, "we loved you. all of us. you were smart...and put together, and you had field experience. we were like, shes it" thank you....honestly, i dont think she knows how badly i needed to hear that.

and theres a reason i never really got over my first love. not only because you never forget your first love, thats true, but i never got over my first love, because we were meant to find eachother again. i remember when brooke told me we were gonna get married....and i was like ok....yeah whatever brooke....and then i brian and i started talking...and hanging out when i was home...and IMing...and then one night when i was home we went to dinner and we were driving back into town from mayville, down 394....we were in his truck, and we had jimmy buffets margaritaville playing....and we were just driving along...singing...and it was at that moment i realized no one would ever compare to that....that level of comfort...love....everything.

im in the process of writing a novel i guess...im not sure how long it is going to be...but i havent really written at all in a very long time. since before college....even in highschool....i wrote 2 things maybe...i didnt know it at the time, but one would call it fanfic, one for er and one for road rules/real world....yeah, im a dork...whatever, if youre still reading this, you love me even though i am a dork. i have issues finishing stuff....the amount of stuff i started and never finished...i lost count...but thats all old. i honestly think i might finish this one....id like to see where i can go with it. its personal, which makes it easy for me to write...i mean, i just enjoy it...best escape ever.....and im glad i decided to share....hugs to jenn and melissa for reading and the continued encouragement to keep updating.

sigh....the mold is finally gone...I CAN SLEEP IN MY BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but the smoke alarm is chirping...could that please go off? thats just what i need right now. and i get to see brooke tomorrow.....when she called me she told me she couldnt wait to see me.......ditto....right there with ya. i havent seen her in months...like since i left boston....although we do talk almost once a week....its not the same. not after all we went through together.

wow....im quite sappy tonite...im allowed. im not really sure what my deal is...maybe its professional....maybe its personal....i miss the kick ass person i was when i wrote my july 22nd entry...but shell be back....

and can i just say that mousie962 totally made my day at 7am.....laughed....the entire way to work.....


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 19th, 2006 03:38 pm (UTC)

YAY for the mold being gone.
Jan. 19th, 2006 09:52 pm (UTC)

yay for the mold being gone....AND another weeks credit on my rent :)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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