Friends Only! Comment to be added.....I love friends.....so I'm sure I'll add you if you want to read all about my boring life and my crazy adventures in San Francisco :)

here it is....4th of july....honestly, prolly one of my lesser favorites....let me know what you think....does it need work? ideas? critques? please help....the next two shouldnt be as hard....at least the next one is kind of writing itself...maybe tomorrow...no promises (looking into kidney donation now...cause honestly, i havent the slightest clue)....anyway....thank you to politicalfemme9 for keeping me inspired and asking about this one....this is for you....enjoy :)


and im not sure accomplished is the right mood...cause im not so sure this feels like an accomplishment....im not in love with it...its short....but cause its the 4th of july, its almost necessary fluff....

( Read more...Collapse )

so today was quite the day, thank you for asking.......actually, one could say that it pretty much sucked, but really, it didnt get to me. im not sure why...but honestly, i dont care. today kicked my ass and im still in a pretty decent mood....who knows....maybe its hormones...not that ive ever been hormonal, but whatever.....

anyway....i got to work and it was just kelly and i in the office for a bit...which was fine...so we talked a little and worked....and nicole came in and we went to starbucks and had a touchbase.....yay food and coffee....double yay for food and coffee on gap time :) triple yay for friends and coffee and food on gap time :) :) :) anyway....i did the little work i had and then spent the rest of the morning hunting down denim samples and exchanging messages with mousie962 im glad i can sit at work and do that....for now....but whatever..i enjoyed it...and jess, i hope youre feeling better...

had lunch with caron which was cool after not seeing her for a week. granted i wasnt hungry....apparently eating olive garden out of house and home after not eating for 2 days will do that to you. but it was fun to chat and catch up and i think were going shopping saturday so yay!

after lunch i headed to the flood building to pick up the denim samples we needed. unfortunately i was wearing new shoes....that tore a hole in my heel. let me tell you how good that felt. thank god for gap kids and the girls flip flops....i think i looked cute in my eight yearold sparkly flip flops...whatever, my feet were comfy.....so i get back to the office and was trying to fix my foot and kelly was like what are you doing? so i got up to show her and she was like i dont want to see.....hahaha...told you so :) gross....because of that i couldnt run...grrrrr.......im so fucked for the half marathon on the 5th. whatelse is new....so i did pilates instead. that was relaxing. i think ill make that one a habit.

to round out my night, i made a quick trip to albertsons....which is right nextdoor to my apartment. so i walk over there to get shampoo, bandaids, and cereal....and the line is so freaking long....like really. so some guy starts flipping out. and screaming....fuck this...fuck that....fuck you. im gonna take the money...wonderful, could i please get killed in the damn grocery store? the girl in front of me has a cart full of stuff...i have 5....and then her friend cuts in with her cart load of shit....i have 5. of course our friend has something to say about that....now hes swearing at customers....wonderful. and the grocery store people are doing NOTHING about it....NOTHING. very central square, cept we actually had to deal with it. it wasnt the actual incident, well part of it...a psycho screaming in a store in a big baggy coat....god only knows what hes gonna pull...but way to open up some old wounds....wounds that never really healed.

i downloaded a bunch of music the other night. one of the songs was its all about soul, by billy joel. i never realized how much i like that song until now. in a way, it kind of describes me. 'she still believes in miracles, while others cry in vain....its all about soul...its all about faith in a deeper devotion.....its all about soul, whos standing now, whos standing tomorrow...youve got to be hard, as hard as that rock in old rock and roll' i listened to it 4 times on my way to and from flood today....yay for trips to gap stores during the day (ok a plane just flew overhead and the whole apartment is shaking) and it just made sense. all the crap i went through to get where i am....all the tears...late nights....somehow i kept the dream alive. i guess thats the difference between what you want and what you love. what you were born to do....whos standing now, whos standing tomorrow....if it were easy...everyone would do it.....sometimes i cant believe it....strane how the world works....why im having these thoughts right now...beyond me....but thats why we love live journal.....cause i can write down all my random thoughts :)

i had to put all my little trinkets away because i think im getting new carpet tomorrow...woohoo...they better not break anything. i re-read a book that my parents gave me for my birthday....and i cried...i laughed...all about how it seemed like yesterday they brought me home..watched me in band...took me to boston...and all these quotes (i LOVE quotes) about growing up and moving on and letting go and how theyll always be there. and i know they will.....cause they have. through the laughter and the tears, the highs and the lows....everything. always. and thats power. looking at it now, it amazes me. alot. theyve always had my back....been the first to congratulate me....there to listen and not judge......listen and not talk...even when im 3000 miles away.....and 3 hours behind them. honestly, i wouldnt be where i am now if it wasnt for them.

ok....enough now....my tummy hurts...damn hypoglycemia....(even though its my own damn fault and i shouldnt complain) and theres a hole in my heel...off to write...i promised another chapter to politicalfemme9

happy tuesday night

i had a really good day today, for those of you who didnt read my earlier entry. for those of you who did, thank you for the comments :) i love comments. anyway....it was a really ironic day, cause last night and this morning i was looking at life, and what i want out of it. i mean, i chased this dream across the country....it was what i wanted for so long....and i still do, i mean, i love it. but how do we know exactly what we want out of life? and that we made the right decisions? i feel like everything happens the way its suposed to for a reason, but ever wonder what that reason is? i say i want to work for gap forever....that i want to go into merchandising and we joke that im going to own the joint.....but i just started wondering if this is it...this is life....not that its a bad thing....just something ive been pondering. could i see myself doing anything else? no...not really.....i used to want to be a doctor...but now i cant watch er without closing my eyes.....some doctor id make. do i want to go back to school? i think so....design? maybe...merchandising? probably a better idea. will it help me with work....yeah, i think so....but part of me wonders if i want to do it for the challenge it would present. i mean, my dad always said i had a type a personality....i used to laugh at him, but, i see it now. ive never been happy just sitting around, just doing one thing.....so then i get to work...and have a really good day, and it pretty much renewed my faith in things....yeah....definitely. what once was lost has now been found, or so i think.

on friday i got an email from someone looking to do what i did...make the move from the east coast and work in a store and move into the ma role at corporate. the first two have already been done....now comes the hard part. weve been trading emails for awhile, tips and whatnot....and im more than willing to help. i know what its like, when you face that world alone. no ones there to help you, cause really, they dont really care. anyway....i got another email, thanking me and letting me know how things stand...and that he talked to my recruiter. and she remembered me, and how he told her that i was his idol...cause of what i did....moving from the east coast and working in a store and then going to corporate. honestly, thats one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. i mean, i see myself as many things, and ive been many things....someones idol, that doesnt really come to mind...and then to have them tell you that? i mean, i cant really put into words how that feels.

and falling in love...again. and again. and again...and then when you think you cant possibly fall in love further, you do. its the little things. the text messages....inside jokes....small gestures....quiet nights.....date nights....long talks....

ok...thats it for now. next time i havent eaten in two days, stop me before i eat out the olive garden. my tummy hurts.....blah....i want to write, but im having issues with that right now....ill try to get something up tomorrow or the next day....

warning.....i am in a horribly good mood right now :) :) :)

ok....youre all going to hate me after you read this......but i have to vent somewhere....and i guess thats why i pay for livejournal.....yes, jess, youre right...its pretty addicting.....anyways....

i am absolutely estatic......and i cant say anything.....damn it sucks....alot....i really just want to scream it from the roof tops or something like that.....aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh....is it february yet?!?

anyway...im sure ill be back with more senseless rambling after dinner.....yay dinner at the olive garden.....mmmmmmmm.......gimme a break, i havent been out of the house in 3 days......

ok...so not the clock...but the smoke alarm is about 30 seconds from being torn off the wall.....if it beeps one more time......cept i cant reach it, so that kinda sucks for me. anyway......

i woke up an hour and 45 minutes late this morning....yeah getting ready in 15 minutes. i looked lovely...black shirt....navy flip flops...brown bag...and yes, ladies and gentleman, i work in the fashion industry....im quite the representative......work was...well...work.....crazy, stressful....whatever....dont really want to talk about it....

yesterday was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!! really tiring, but lots of fun....brooke called me at 730...and for whatever reason, i woke up 5 minutes before...she was very disapoined that she didnt wake me up....so i met her at the hotel..and her baby is adorable....we went to the old navy where i used to work and starbucks and golden gate park and target and in & out burger. honestly, it didnt matter if what we did.....we basically got to talk all day long....and play with a really cute baby. we sat and had tea and talked for...i dont even know how long....but it was just nice. good friends are like stars...you dont always see them, but you know they are always there.....weve talked almost once a week since ive been out here...but it was almost like nothing had changed, even though practically everything had. but we hadnt....my sense of direction still sucks...no matter how many times we left the hotel, i still couldnt figure out how to get to the highway.....shes still trying to feed me random stuff...and, we can still talk for hours about anything and everything....

i had a milkshake yesterday and it made me sick.....put that on the shelf of stuff i cant have anymore along with the pepsi

mousie962 totally made my week....making me fall out of my chair laughing....3 times.....well, not really out of a chair, but damn close...despite the fact that the damn smoke detector just beeped again!!!!!!! im gonna phoebe it off the wall and beat the shit out of it......

beantown grlie (6:49:28 PM): so my smoke alarm is chirping
mousie962 (6:49:42 PM): huh. why?
beantown grlie (6:49:59 PM): i think the battery is dying....maybe? i dont know....but i dont think i can reach it
mousie962 (6:51:08 PM): did you ever see that episode of friends with phoebes alarm?
beantown grlie (6:51:19 PM): haha...yeah
beantown grlie (6:52:09 PM): i think id give up and go sleep in my car
beantown grlie (6:52:19 PM): or better yet, put it in my car
mousie962 (6:52:49 PM): hahaha.

so today i had to go back to work....woohoo...i went to the 2 folsom cafe with nicole....and decided that i wanted to buy lunch rather than eat what i brought...its ok, i havent bought lunch all week. so were done eating and just sitting there talking and i look up and whos walking towards us and out the door...shannon (those of you who worked at gap in boston know who she is) and our eyes met and we kind of looked at eachother...and she came over and was like what are you doing here? and im thinking me? i belong here...what are you doing here? shes in town from nyc for mill week.....or something like that....talk about a blast from the past.....of course i look like ive been hit by a bus cause i got ready in 15 minutes, but whatever....

ok....i think thats it...sorry this is so....i dont know....pointless? boring? i think im gonna go write now.....or read...or watch law and order....i need to go to the gym...i totally skipped that today...and yesterday....but my shin hurts so i guess its ok....

when i typed in the subject for my entry because the computer remembers key strokes, it brought up my 'i dont give up that easily' entry, so i went back and re-read it. and under that was one from 3 days before...about how all i wanted to do was give up.
( Read more...Collapse )

theyre both under the cut....read it...dont...doesnt matter to me....i just...i dont know i guess, but when do we ever know. i mean, we go balls to the wall for something, anything that we believe in, and was it right? i mean, i guess well never know. we end up where we are in life because we are suposed to be there. i didnt get the rmp job because i was suposed to come out here and make it on my own, and honestly, i dont think i would change that. i just look back at what i wrote and how i realized, on the 22nd of july that anything in life thats worth it, is worth fighting for, and if it was easy, then everyone would do it. yes, there were times when i thought my life would fall apart...there were times when i thought id never make it....there were times when i thought i would cry if the alarm went off at 4am one more day. but i kept fighting and interviewing.....even in the most disheartening situations. i didnt get any of the early jobs because i was meant to have the one at outlet....and no matter what happens there in the next few days, weeks, whatever, its what was meant to be...and if i dont like it now, its because theres something better down the road.

kelly gave me a ride back to san bruno tonite cause i missed the shuttle...it was cool though cause i got to design underwear....yep, the girls 7 pack days of the week underwear at gap outlet next fall.....check it out....cause i created it (color and graphics) today :) soooo cool. anyway....we were talking and she mentioned something about how some people just get jobs really easily, and other people have a really tough time, for no apparent reason...and im like yep, welcome to my world. and shes like you have a job...and im like yes, but do you know what it took to get it? and how many i went through...and she says, "we loved you. all of us. you were smart...and put together, and you had field experience. we were like, shes it" thank you....honestly, i dont think she knows how badly i needed to hear that.

and theres a reason i never really got over my first love. not only because you never forget your first love, thats true, but i never got over my first love, because we were meant to find eachother again. i remember when brooke told me we were gonna get married....and i was like ok....yeah whatever brooke....and then i brian and i started talking...and hanging out when i was home...and IMing...and then one night when i was home we went to dinner and we were driving back into town from mayville, down 394....we were in his truck, and we had jimmy buffets margaritaville playing....and we were just driving along...singing...and it was at that moment i realized no one would ever compare to that....that level of comfort...love....everything.

im in the process of writing a novel i guess...im not sure how long it is going to be...but i havent really written at all in a very long time. since before college....even in highschool....i wrote 2 things maybe...i didnt know it at the time, but one would call it fanfic, one for er and one for road rules/real world....yeah, im a dork...whatever, if youre still reading this, you love me even though i am a dork. i have issues finishing stuff....the amount of stuff i started and never finished...i lost count...but thats all old. i honestly think i might finish this one....id like to see where i can go with it. its personal, which makes it easy for me to write...i mean, i just enjoy it...best escape ever.....and im glad i decided to share....hugs to jenn and melissa for reading and the continued encouragement to keep updating.

sigh....the mold is finally gone...I CAN SLEEP IN MY BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but the smoke alarm is chirping...could that please go off? thats just what i need right now. and i get to see brooke tomorrow.....when she called me she told me she couldnt wait to see me.......ditto....right there with ya. i havent seen her in months...like since i left boston....although we do talk almost once a week....its not the same. not after all we went through together.

wow....im quite sappy tonite...im allowed. im not really sure what my deal is...maybe its professional....maybe its personal....i miss the kick ass person i was when i wrote my july 22nd entry...but shell be back....

and can i just say that mousie962 totally made my day at 7am.....laughed....the entire way to work.....

ok..well, not really...but today was quite the day. spent half of it in the office, which was pretty boring, other than an email that made me remember a story mousie962 told me.....and i laughed....and got asked what my deal was....trust me, you wouldnt understand it if i tried to explain. then we went to bubble lounge and had champagne....and wine....and a little food too. sarah and veronica taught me how to play blackjack. and we got free gifts....american express gift cards and the zaggat survey for san francisco. :) :) overall a fun day.

so then i get home, and theres a note in my door. im like saweet, the mold is gone :) oh wait...just kidding. (thats cool...i am SO getting more credit on my rent) the note is information on renewing my lease. and how it ends 3/31, and i can come down to the office to sign a new one when ever its convenient....WAHOO my lease is up. best apartment news ive gotten in a long time.

hmmm....whatelse....brooke called me today :) shes coming thursday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! two days...totally cant wait.

ok, thats it. im off to watch law and order...yay law and order...boo for prereview tomorrow.....but maybe i can fix the 'i feel like a wall' and the being bored all day.



ok...im posting the next chapter of my story.....i had some issues with this one. i just overall dont really like it. i LOVE the one with dad....i just dont think mom came out as well....anyway, check it out...let me know what you think
( Read more...Collapse )

ok....so im posting my next chapter....those of you still with me, enjoy.......

( Read more...Collapse )

i also reposted the one in the diner from a few days ago.....a little changed, and hopefully a little better. if youre reading my story....enjoy...let me know what you think.......

i love the fact that i can sit at work and write a journal entry. yay internet access....yay empty office for the next half hour....even then, theres only 2 of us here for the rest of the day. anyway.....

its been awhile since ive updated....prolly cause im still fighting the mold. i dont understand why i cant just beat it with a stick til it dies. i miss my bed :( i miss being able to open my closet door. at least i feel better...damn mold...had me sick friday too...grrr. maybe it will be gone today. im so asking for more than a weeks credit on my rent. they owe me at least 2 if not more. i havent been able to sleep in my room since last wednesday. and even then, i prolly shouldnt have.

brian and i actually went out this weekend. it was fun. we went to hooters. he couldnt believe id never been there....and actually the food was pretty good. and there was quite the interesting game on too....then we went to the cannery...where there are 80 some beers on tap. i had 2....and a shot of something...i dont remember what...but it tasted like cinnamon and had gold in it. even though it was yummy, it took me 4 tries to get it down...im just not meant to take shots....whatev....so after our crazy night out, i 'drunk' dialed melissa at what was 2am for her....i love you melissamylove.....and i loved your message on sunday morning too....course i turned my phone off.....but i saved your message, so in 21 days i will be amused again.....i finished out the evening jumping on the bed....kind of like tom cruise jumping on oprahs couch...i kind of want to jump on a couch right now....maybe i could jump on my desk...think anyone would care? i dont think anyone would know....riiiight...knowing my luck, kelly would come back in then and be like what are you doing? and then it would be like haha ive lost my mind. maybe i could go home then....

i went running on sunday....pittiful 6 mile run, but i did see the cutest dog ever at the park. he was the same colors as a sheep dog, but with long hair....and he was smaller...maybe thigh high on me....so cute.

hmmm........whatelse...im bored....i should do the kids accessories pos cept i dont have the information for them....my tummy hurts...is it 5 yet?

brooke is coming to see me on thursday! cant wait.....not too sure what were doing yet....but i get to meet the baby :) she mentioned something about sea food....yummmmmm sea food...can you hear the sarcasm in my voice? although i did eat an artichoke on friday....thank you kelly for broadening my food horizons....took me back to brooke in central square feeding me a tangerine.....cept the artichoke was better....

ok...off to find something productive to do. i will, however, post another update to my story later....just for you melissa...cause i called you at 2am ;)